1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain,
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze
pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have
been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad
at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head
out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an
idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have
no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go
out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long
somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always
locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from
some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best
friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it,
maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and
they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I
think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of
her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my
suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered
for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any
witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".